In this land of Gods and Godman sometimes it needs a great deal of skill to survive without a God. Didn't know exactly when, raised in a family where God was worshiped everyday thrice as a ritual, a special puja being performed every alternate day, fed on a diet of fables I loved to hear from grandma, I stopped believing. It began as a stop gap arrangement what if i don't believe and actually I started non believing!!
It was no big deal actually. Initially didn't get into any arguments with anyone as was apprehensive of being taken as arrogant, may be silly and may be who knew I had to revert to believing again braving any sort of personal crisis. Though logical mind told me resorting to a supreme power to take care of me is only the proof of my weakness and vulnerability and in no way a proof of existence of anyone supreme. The non believing struck slowly and steadily and in a country society and family where religion is strikingly dominant I survived happily. Well I didn't have to do anything ,didn't claim myself to be atheist for once and there was no declaration of my non believing. There were still pujas at home though numbers were less with grandma getting old and once or twice I began to question myself on participating and celebrating our yearly most awaited festival Durga Puja but then it was more than religion , it was simply a part of our existence which I can't deny and I was happily celebrating puja with everyone without being an integral part of the more religious rituals. Was it a dubious existence... it just might be. I was into the fun and happiness of it and deftly avoiding the serious part. Though I admit, watching puja being performed with the evening aarti rituals raise a trance like feeling and a series of emotions I do not have much control upon and when following family members or friends after a long queue I face God in a temple and join my hands with closed eyes I do not know what I should do and make way fast for the next devotee waiting anxiously.
So my non believing went on. Gradually was a stranger to all kinds of pujas , vrats , fasts etc etc and stand awkward, silent in a group where people talk fervently about the rituals. Visiting temples too became very rare and only when I was compelled to. In between life did have very tough and challenging times and I did feel succumbing myself to some divine power who would give me the strength. Does the divine power lead one to do something exemplary, something for the lesser mortals... the questions can be best answered by those who believe. For other confused stressed souls it is simply best not to bother as I try to convince myself I don't know if God exists if he/she does it's fine and else it is fine as well.
Well well on a subject where volumes have been written and so much been said, where so many preachers and sects thrive can all be brushed off with a wave of hand!!! I do not know really, the emotions, the sensations, more exist than normal senses can perceive. The mysteries of the universe yearn for an answer and hence the quest for the supreme being or for the storms within the soul or for the most mundane... a respite, a panacea for all ... I have wondered often with no answer of course.
Yet it is difficult to stand your own ground as a non believer, wish the best for your love , child and family , strive hard for success and prosperity and stand nonchalant and non believing and harder to derive the strength from within for a cause , a purpose to motivate oneself . There were and would be moments where I would falter and give up myself and for other times God and me have drifted apart and happily!!
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