Popular Posts

Friday, 20 August 2021

 



Dear Ninni

 What kind of mother am I! If I ever tell you the story of my motherhood... Ninni, being a mother was   certainly not in my scheme of things, as I was growing up. Career, love, romance, travelling the world, meeting my soul mate starry eyed all were, rearing a child, changing diapers were certainly not! Not that I was against or repulsive about it, but the world was inviting me with open arms as if to make my mark and this wasn’t what I was bothered about.

Well I certainly didn’t make any mark, as much as I assumed world was waiting for me with bated breath, but I settled for a different unique job after fair share of struggles and stories that I can tell you, that are exclusively mine. Gradually I got to know I was almost mediocre in hoards of things and not the unique mind I speculated myself to be. I followed my peers, though a tad bit tenacious about job and career, rest I followed peers got married and settled for a not so different life. I wasn’t that magnanimous social worker I saw myself as when I was a child, I wasn’t that brilliant writer I assumed I would be, also I could not get myself rebellious fighting for the love of my life, nor I could adopt a little girl and do something exemplary.I got lost, confused and most rebellions ended with my mother later husband and did not see much light of the day!! 

Yet there was me, Ninni, growing learning and an entity of my own. Rebellious in my beliefs, did not take on the world exactly but not bowed down either. So body clock ticking, earlier it ticked real fast, I convinced ourselves to prepare for you, the little monkey to endorse our world. Your father , as he is, kept mumbling...life will never be the same from now on. I was like..is it..casuality you know I wear like my second skin! After you, life was a tad different, we , initially your grand mom and I did not have much idea what to do with the crazy wailing bundle we had in our arms. IT did not sleep, wailed ten minutes after every feed and actually I was seeing stars. First night at home after hospital your Nani and I were up the whole night, clueless with a wailing you! 

‘ She’s hungry, give her formula’ , your Nani was whining as I struggled feeding you. This superseded any night shift I ever did, at work I knew shift was going to end soon. Here it never ended!! Then it was roller coaster , there was a bonding at times, the warm soft bundle cuddling to you, snuggling with her warmth , at the same time life was different. Yet I like every other mom knew I had a longing heart to come home to, had a pair of eyes trusting me with her life. Also the pragmatic me knew this wasn’t for ever, some years and then empty nest syndrome. Sometimes I think it wasn’t me who sacrificed etc , it was you with your trust, faith made me who I am, I wasn’t sure I deserved all this. Little bit of honesty here I was not particularly close to my mother and only as I kept growing I understood that bond I shared with my own mom! Difficult to understand I know, but that’s how it was. But for you I was your very own, might be very natural, but you had all your questions, aspirations, even you are scared of me at times! Slowly you got myself to believe I deserve this. Selfish as I was, job, friends , yes even little out of station trips without you! That way I was nowhere near other dedicated moms. I left you most of the times with our help, who nurtured you and in many ways she was way better than me! She cooks your favourite food, sorts your fish from the bones. I see my colleague moms toiling hard, balancing job, kid while I led an almost easy casual life. Maybe I missed out a lot but I’m not complaining and I’m almost sure you are not either.

As you stepped into your teens yesterday, and when I wonder about the great expectations load I carry on my shoulders..I have not failed definitely but that’s because of you, your father, your Pishi (our help). I have only just been myself! I had shut my eyes in fear when you were vaccinated, promised myself weeping I won’t take any trips after your wrist fracture, which I broke obviously, one hand holding mobile with other one I have lulled you to sleep.

Away, away from perfection I am! And you have stated I am not your role model. Yet would there be respect, little bit of wish to be like your mom, wee bit of respect when you grow up and judge me as a human, putting aside the shackles of relation..if you ever do..I know I’ve been a super mom. When you would know there’s a living person with a throbbing heart which ached for all, may not be a perfect mom but a living soul full of follies whom you loved and trusted blindly till you grew up and whom you would criticise, judge but love more when you are an adult...then I’m a mom who need not fit in the societal standards , a mom who has made it.

Love

Ma

Monday, 16 August 2021

Dear Ninni...on your twelfth














No rebel yet 
There is a voice, faint but unique 
No thinker yet 
There is a mind,curious and kind!
 
Independence, freedom are ideas great   
Yet Ma and Baba's delicious delight!
Too much gizmos, games and chat,
Little bit of Maths, quite a brat!


Toy shop gazing, are a thing of past 
Greek hunks, Percy Jacksons are a must!
The girl for whom desserts can be the only meal 
Strange sounding music, head banging gives her the thrill!


The world waits to be unfurled, words colours as she chooses
Take on life, take on world, all are hers if she wishes!

Saturday, 24 July 2021

What ails her!

The gentle breeze caressed her 

Her blow dried hair muttering soft

The diamond sparkled in the moist air

Her pale eyes lost in thought!


'Coffee madam', my mom stood in front

Her painted fingers held the cup

Mom waved off with a nod,

What ails her, this goddess, I gaze dumbstruck!


She fiddles with her cell phone

Stares deep into the screen, 

Her fingers tap wistfully

For a second I hear her breathe in!


'Hey take the cup!'

She asks with a frown,

My surreptitious glances laid bare and sore

Out of my trance, I do as I'm told!

Monday, 19 July 2021

All that was right

Determined I was,

To wash off the moments and years

That clung  to me..

Ostracize myself from all that was wrong

Or awfully right!


Determined,

I wipe off the moistness from the hollow of my eyes 

Let eyes glimmer, light and live

Smile away all those excruciating pain

That hit hard once!


Determined, I chose my path

Pressed the delete button with a cool tap

Cathartic it was, I breathed anew

Time to let go, loose ends few.


Moments still play havoc with me,

Moist eyes threaten to overflow,

From delete to Ctrl alt del

My resolve, here you go!

Thursday, 8 October 2020

Chai Chai






Tea, coffee or... real cheesy line of yester years 😊! Tea it would be for most of us , in daily mornings , family evenings, work breaks, in between studies, for the masses as well as for the classes. Yes in airport lounges though hold the boisterous coffee cup for a whilefor somewhat peer pressure may be, yet most of the times we Indians have that Dil Se connection with chai be it cutting, adrak wali , doodh patti ( I never knew it existed) ,masala chai, lemon tea...just strikes a chord with heart and the cup of freshness plucks the strings just at the right places.

Reminiscence of childhood summer vacations often take me to the lush green tea gardens of one not so famous tea estate owned by the Tata's, Hathigor tea estate! My grandpa's quarter was my idea of a big house, three bedrooms , one living room and the huge space in front of the house and the larger backyard along with a big garden full of mango, jamun, jackfruit trees and yes a pair of toilets almost hundred metres away and just beyond the toilets there was this wire fencing and acres of green tea gardens almost covering the horizon! Tea garden labours were heard chatting, blabbering as they made their way to the gardens in the morning and while they returned in the evening after the siren . The tea leaf factory was nearby, we could hear the machines buzz, look at the exhaust fans roll and smell the warm whiff of tea leaves, specially at night . Naturally being from this land , tea was our go to drink once you reach adolescence or teens, for those evenings with chai samosa or chai pakoda or dipping those Marie biscuits or rusks in the morning, or those late night study sessions with a cup of laal sa may be.

Being a hardcore foodie, I know tea lovers will vehemently oppose, for me tea was  always an accompaniment for muri bhaja, biscuits, dalmoth and without snacks I’d be lost with my cuppa like a rudderless ship! Though sometimes for the sake of long hours of study did manage a biscuit less cup of tea  but no not at all my cup of tea exactly. Getting hitched with someone who can gulp gallons of tea changed the equation a bit and I began to long for my morning and evening cuppas as my habit, needless to say with accompaniments galore. Rainy days ( rains are scarce in NCR region) calls for chai pakoda, as ideal as it gets for a combo and with it if you add the bong quintessential adda and some music ,heaven it is! Winters too just hanker for tea , the warm cuppa dealing with the chill specially if it is served in bed and you just need to get one arm out of the blanket to hold the cup! That's called a treat really.

Sipping tea with elders was considered first official entry to the adult world! College canteen, umpteen cups of runny tea  with occasional matthi, balusahi, literal storms over tea cups, from politics to art, tea has seen it all. Slipping through the backdoor, buying sweets and samosas to be served with tea for the unannounced guest! Well guests if at all, aren't  unannounced any more. Back in Assam we love our tea with strong flavour of tea leaf while here in north it's more milk and ginger and masalas. All said and done nothing like this concoction for our Indian minds to rejuvenate, refresh, give soul to our addas... and from the tea gardens of childhood, to the solitary chaiwala humming Chai Chai untiringly in the wee hours past midnight in a compartment with passengers peacefully tucked in their blankets!

' Bhai do baje koi chai lega'  Someone spoke with exasperation

' Kya pata sahab!'   He  went on , ' Chai Chai'

Still railway stations and train compartments reverberate with the sound... Chai Chai.... Chai anyone!

Time for my evening tea.

Axom deshor baagisa re suali...after all...as Bhupen Da had mentioned ☺️!






Monday, 28 September 2020

Dear Daughter

 




Exaggeration you shudder at

'Cut the drama' is what I get!

The stage was set long back

When the pediatric waved a little bundle

Is it a girl, I nudged your dad!

The warm soft wrap who smelled of love

Bellowing, grunting for food moment she was up!


Of moments of growing up

Toothless smiles and colic galore

Of sleepless nights and lulabies sans notes

Of My Little Pony,unicorns ,Chota Bheem too!


Of a little lady caught surfing youtube in online classes!

( Already being killed for this!)

Of a supercool mom screaming discipline 

While editing her dp in insta!


The show is on girl!

Monday, 3 August 2020

Drift

The drift was there, slow and steady 
Dark clouds gave way
To a listless bleak evening.

Could we freeze the perpetual flow of time
Hit pause button may be,
Lock those fervent moments, for time immemorial!

The roads we walked, the closest we stood
The cracks that crept in stealthily 
Love that slipped lucidly 
Were we ready to lose 
What we could never have!

The road ahead ,dead and deserted
Few twists and drifts later, 
Together would we tread ,
Deadly curves , unlimited speed
Yet closest would we meet!

Like floating clouds,would we merge
And prittle prattle as much!