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Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Peers and Pressure

Ah this pressure!! Well most of the things in my life fell in place just in time  with this pressure.

In early school days it was Baba..he would give example of all peers scoring maximum in Mathematics, it was quite subtle though, without getting pressurised technically but an emotional jolt and i ended up beeing stuck in late eighties or sometimes beginning of nineties and always with a stab in the heart of missing the ton (We were allotted marks then). Baba continued through out the years, sometimes over phone.. and i would remember the eyes with the question ' how was your exam'...the anxiousness and my anxiousness at faltering, missing out on all he was aspiring..  Again i,ll have to say it wasn,t a parental pressure technique, may be he wove some of his dreams around me..and though always very short of outstanding or excellent.. i was able to make it to the average.. i can state fairly without being modest and guess never disappointed him if not made him a very proud parent.

Teen days were confusing, intriguing. The pressure to look happening gave this immense urge to be ' different'..the safe way out..discomfort with an almost unknown body, falling out of sync with peers..outsmarted in looks and deeds led to shelling of self amidst piles of fiction beginning from  Mills and Boons to Tagore and Sarat Chandra Novels to those 'adult' stories published in ' Desh'. ' I,m different and hence looking for someone different!!' Not a bad concept to deal with peer pressure really when the others began to date or had boys wooing them.

But how long can one survive being out of sync with peers, holding on to a make believe world frantically.. As the body turns familiar the soul emerges out of teens , tries to fall in sync with peers and without facebook likes at that time, a coveted ' like'  from any boys around would achieve it..at least being one of the peers though way down the line.Twenties would weave a bit of personality one would carry over for a  few years at least..and craft a ' my life' kind of thing. A dash of 'gyaan' about self, a pinch of confidence, stepping in the work arena from dreamy college university days...thrill of taking on the world and finally meeting up the  'one' who would put an end to all peer fears..and the twenties turn to thirties.

Thirties.. initially promising, also gradually time to be aware of the lines built around self, the secret desire to break all the rules which have eroded 'my' from ' my life'. And finally the health issue so unhealthily overlooked, staring blatantly with years of massive negligence... Thirties also characterised frequent visits to parlours and salons, the desire to be 'in sync' with all the hot thirty somethings and forty somethings. Some money in hand...branded clothes, may be finally coming up with a-not-too-sure style quotient and  some admiring gazes...if from men.. definitely excellent but a winner if from women!! Times change..they do. Admiration (not jealousy) from women is a sure shot victory.. to your style, your shopping , your gym sessions if any. Constant struggle really.. workplace full of twenty somethings now, basking on limelight while you take a mild bossy position though no total authority, a middle level stage..whom the newbies love to avoid if you are choking with unwanted gyaan!! Hair colour or henna is mandatory , still the silver lining shines through!! And you do not miss to scan over the head of anyone near thirties..for a peer like feeling..any streaks of silver will do.

Huh.. dread the forties.. more peers and more pressures. With a growing child, waif thin moms would be the new peer group.. endless list.. And to think of fifties and sixties...can i relax with a head full of grey hair, acidic stomach, high bp and ' sugary' body, arthritic knees and what not,  perhaps admiring looks from men would clinch the deal...and perhaps flirting would be smooth and easy with no baggage of goody image hanging over head....and without a bit of make up applied!

Hazaaron khwahishen aisi ke har khwahish pe dam nikle
Bohat niklay mere armaan, lekin phir bhi kam nikle...

A thousand desires, each worth dying for
So many realised... yet i yearn for more