Dear Ninni

'Unlock the Lock Down'

These are the days of lock down! Corona virus has creeped in to our country, city, society, building and we stay huddled in our homes most of the times! You too play those strange games in tab and listen to those strange songs day and night! Your so called wanderlust mom too initially blown apart by lock down cringed and fretted  but then you learn loving what you have, once you find out ways to deal with it! We all dealt with it in ways we could find. 

This post isn't about lock down though. Lock down, corona would be etched in your memory. Online classes , sessions with friends and as I see you growing tall all within the four walls, as if you almost are going to miss a year of your life. But then we do not know what lies ahead, global warming, pollution , would there be air to breathe, would there be life as we call normal,we do not know really. At this stage being alive and healthy in our country seems an accomplishment.

People are doing wonderful things in the lock down, facebook flooded with posts of exotic food, jaw dropping paintings, dance, music what not and finishing all household chores deftly as well. First few days I was at loss, slept, slept and slept more, barring a few chores, slept through the day! Then gathering myself a bit, juggled between books, bit of cooking or chores, bit of exercise, unlimited time in mobile marveling at others' feats and life wasn't so bad after all. Holidays, vacations, socialising weren't  as important as it seemed in social media and the beauty of doing nothing was setting in. 

There wasn't any dearth of time, though we used to have long talks earlier as well, me and and your grandma had longer talks these days. All mundane regular talks, what to cook, what to eat, what my neighbours did, what my masis worked at and lots of reminiscing of bygone days! Of grandma and aunts, of childhood days when I used to throw huge tantrums, and gradually conversation would drift to those uncomfortable genres, ' You were so so spoiled, look at your daughter, she isn't like you!'

'Yeaah, ok, Let me hang up.'  I would shift uncomfortably, then she would add ' Ok I wasn't so lovey dovey, you were so scared of me!' Then as I would relax bit, would come the smash ' You were impossible though'. Conversations would linger, reflections, music, movies, relatives , Baba being withdrawn in his world of books, sports with an ailing ear, my handsome brother's photo been rejected here and there,we would talk and talk. 

With time immense, catching up with old friend, ignited some memories of the late eighties, when Baba was posted at Goalpara. The quaint little town, with the mighty river and hills was my grazing ground. Not at all aware of the realities lurking around, I used to roam around the town with friends, whose parents let them. Ma being busy with infant brother, I almost knew the little town , its lanes, road to the river, the club where my father played table tennis and quite well at that , the dreamy road to circuit house, the tower up the hill. 

'How I let u wander like that'  Ma would ponder, some guilt and some dread at the possibilities thirty two years back.

Then memories working overtime, I could recall all the names of the roads, shops, the directions, the people I knew, the names we called them, Baba would have some fictional names for all. Friends I had, things I tried to do, from being Famous Five to emulate Steffi Graf ( Not to be disclosed how). Then it was confession time and I disclosed, first to you and your father, then to your grandma , well I was a little younger than you when I watched the first movie with my classmate without telling anyone of course! Movie was Qayamat se Qayamat Tak, which after much persuading Baba had taken me to watch, then why I...just we wanted to watch again so me and my classmate, one fine day amidst all the long walks we had, I don't remember how we gathered the funds, might be I saved money from rickshaw fares and we barged in to Kalpana Cinema Hall with hearts beating fast. Rest of the movie passed by incident free, except for the man sitting by my side staring hard or pushing slightly with elbow, we were too dazed to be bothered with something so trivial! Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla painted our world for us, though I remember my classmate was not promoted to sixth class and might be her parents enrolled her in a different school. Me too guilt ridden and with the gory realities I was vis a vis with, hushed hushed our adventures and tried not to remember . Though picture postcard of Aamir Khan in white jogging suit, sun behind was tucked safely in the last page of  LIC diary I got from Baba, important to tell you here good boxing I got in my ears as Baba discovered the post card!!

Finally the cat was out of the closet, and my Ma howled ,' How could you!! You were just ten may be! How did I not know! Why did I let you!'

Year was 1988, and I still didn't know why I did or how I could. Certainly not proud of myself and the man next to me pushing elbows, but then it was done. Yes you may say or your grandma would say I did take advantage of all the freedom they let me have  unless I was scared stiff of the world around and would think of cringing in my home and not venture out.

Your wanderlust mom still has it in her, the seeds of freedom sown in childhood you cannot let go. My soul still takes flights, my mundane body as well, be it through  books or travel websites or those trips with friends. And as I reflect, your grandma and I shudder at those possibilities, both have our souls loaded with guilts but then since when I wanted to be perfect and there remains still a lot of things I have done, which technically I must not have. Accepting helps, guilt isn't necessary, sometimes we do things unaware ,sometimes we know fully yet tread into paths which do not make much sense. Yes I know it was only a movie I watched, you having access to almost all the movies of the world , this hardly makes any sense also this twelfth floor balcony does not give you much idea of roaming in woods, river bank , climbing the lovely green hill. Yet your world is beautiful, all entertainment at your finger tips, hardly any curiosity or prying in the adult world. 

Make your memories, make your mistakes. Life isn't about being perfect .Would love to listen thirty two years hence and wonder how I let you! Preserve your guilts, love yourself , unlock the lock down and rock on!

Yours Ma