Dear Ninni

 What kind of mother am I! If I ever tell you the story of my motherhood... Ninni, being a mother was   certainly not in my scheme of things, as I was growing up. Career, love, romance, travelling the world, meeting my soul mate starry eyed all were, rearing a child, changing diapers were certainly not! Not that I was against or repulsive about it, but the world was inviting me with open arms as if to make my mark and this wasn’t what I was bothered about.

Well I certainly didn’t make any mark, as much as I assumed world was waiting for me with bated breath, but I settled for a different unique job after fair share of struggles and stories that I can tell you, that are exclusively mine. Gradually I got to know I was almost mediocre in hoards of things and not the unique mind I speculated myself to be. I followed my peers, though a tad bit tenacious about job and career, rest I followed peers got married and settled for a not so different life. I wasn’t that magnanimous social worker I saw myself as when I was a child, I wasn’t that brilliant writer I assumed I would be, also I could not get myself rebellious fighting for the love of my life, nor I could adopt a little girl and do something exemplary.I got lost, confused and most rebellions ended with my mother later husband and did not see much light of the day!! 

Yet there was me, Ninni, growing learning and an entity of my own. Rebellious in my beliefs, did not take on the world exactly but not bowed down either. So body clock ticking, earlier it ticked real fast, I convinced ourselves to prepare for you, the little monkey to endorse our world. Your father , as he is, kept mumbling...life will never be the same from now on. I was like..is it..casuality you know I wear like my second skin! After you, life was a tad different, we , initially your grand mom and I did not have much idea what to do with the crazy wailing bundle we had in our arms. IT did not sleep, wailed ten minutes after every feed and actually I was seeing stars. First night at home after hospital your Nani and I were up the whole night, clueless with a wailing you! 

‘ She’s hungry, give her formula’ , your Nani was whining as I struggled feeding you. This superseded any night shift I ever did, at work I knew shift was going to end soon. Here it never ended!! Then it was roller coaster , there was a bonding at times, the warm soft bundle cuddling to you, snuggling with her warmth , at the same time life was different. Yet I like every other mom knew I had a longing heart to come home to, had a pair of eyes trusting me with her life. Also the pragmatic me knew this wasn’t for ever, some years and then empty nest syndrome. Sometimes I think it wasn’t me who sacrificed etc , it was you with your trust, faith made me who I am, I wasn’t sure I deserved all this. Little bit of honesty here I was not particularly close to my mother and only as I kept growing I understood that bond I shared with my own mom! Difficult to understand I know, but that’s how it was. But for you I was your very own, might be very natural, but you had all your questions, aspirations, even you are scared of me at times! Slowly you got myself to believe I deserve this. Selfish as I was, job, friends , yes even little out of station trips without you! That way I was nowhere near other dedicated moms. I left you most of the times with our help, who nurtured you and in many ways she was way better than me! She cooks your favourite food, sorts your fish from the bones. I see my colleague moms toiling hard, balancing job, kid while I led an almost easy casual life. Maybe I missed out a lot but I’m not complaining and I’m almost sure you are not either.

As you stepped into your teens yesterday, and when I wonder about the great expectations load I carry on my shoulders..I have not failed definitely but that’s because of you, your father, your Pishi (our help). I have only just been myself! I had shut my eyes in fear when you were vaccinated, promised myself weeping I won’t take any trips after your wrist fracture, which I broke obviously, one hand holding mobile with other one I have lulled you to sleep.

Away, away from perfection I am! And you have stated I am not your role model. Yet would there be respect, little bit of wish to be like your mom, wee bit of respect when you grow up and judge me as a human, putting aside the shackles of relation..if you ever do..I know I’ve been a super mom. When you would know there’s a living person with a throbbing heart which ached for all, may not be a perfect mom but a living soul full of follies whom you loved and trusted blindly till you grew up and whom you would criticise, judge but love more when you are an adult...then I’m a mom who need not fit in the societal standards , a mom who has made it.

Love

Ma