Confessions

Dear Ninni

Some confession time. It's an age old debate in the country we live in. I do not know how people deal  with it in other countries and whether such debates do exist. Well i had always been a working mom (whoever has coined the term with such acute connotations) and truly i do not know much other way of life, somehow i always knew i had to work... it wasn't ambitions or aspirations just a plain principle of working and living my own life. Well things aren't so plain really...

First of all i don't really know i need to confess this but succumbing to spousal and parental pressures let me tell you i am not a conventional mom!! Yes me too am not sure of what that means but i am not obsessed with your school, studies, progress, food like the most moms i know and yes i do have a nice world of my own which supposedly i mustn't have!! And yes since i have this reliable and sincere help to bring you up ( your Pishi) more often than not i leave you to her while i keep doing the things i love... like visiting social networking sites, little bit of writing, some reading and of course shopping, movies and not only this i have left you with your pishi and father for five full days for a pleasure foreign trip with my colleague!!! I know i sound like a perfect heartless mom...and yes it's not that i have a self absorbed partner who does not take me out for holidays... he does, plans great trips ( only it's him who decides and i pack and follow)..of course there should be nothing objectionable in this....

Okay these were the allegations rather are the allegations you will continue to hear against me...and also some toppings like i hardly do any household chores and have enough time for myself and i really can't blame anyone for infusing these in your heart. Now what do i have for defence and whether i really do need any or as if i am loaded with guilt. Well... Ninni.. i do not get along with a lot of persons. By the time you grow up you'd discover all these about me...never got along with your grandma ( my mother) since i was a child, not much with my brother ( as he puts it i am bearable for a maximum period of 48 hours!!!) and now do not get along with your father and yes with your make-believe pishi. It's not that i dislike any of them nor i think they dislike me much...just that i am impossible sometimes!! And i wonder if you and me would share the same fate... Anyways since your birth leaving the initial turbulent period... i settled in my job leaving you in the hands of my domestic help and i believe she looked after you very well and loved you with her heart. A slum dweller, she would clean and wash in other houses but she looked after you, dressed and bathed you, dressed you in every new frock i got for you and matching hair accessories . She'd take you to the flock of maids gossipping as she'd wait for me to come home from work  and hand you to me when your feet began shaking excitedly as you could spot me approaching!! Believe me she seemed an angel to me, though she took numerous leaves and ultimately we had your pishi to settle down with us. After initial tumultuous period you adjusted with your pishi and having a full time help life was excessively easy for me.

I went for transfers and stayed at different places and she was and still is an indispensable help. And on my part i know nobody may vouch for me but i need to tell you that i did all i could to make her life comfortable and she became one of us... though it became so hard to digest at times. Soon you also knew pishi is an utmost necessity in our lives and you share a strong bond with her. It was not because of my absent mindedness rather because of her love for you that you have learned to love and respect her and trust her with all your needs. If i went out for a day of shopping or movies leaving you at home or school...it was always with a feel of guilt i returned home and i believe it would be the same for any mother. I remember sometimes i'd spend the day outside when i have night shifts and yet would never go office directly rather come home and have a look at you once!! I might sound outrageously defensive...anyways while at infant stage all mothers prepared those boiled and mashed food with different recipes..i did try once or twice but since you were such a fussy eater...lost interest in few days. And then i saw all moms fuss about school and studies...i stayed behind with my laid back ( might be mistaken for arrogance) attitude. Most moms complain about lack of time.. work, kitchen, toddler but most of the times i find enough time to read, write though i'd love more really...and almost stopped entering into kitchen barring trying something new.

Wanderlust or whatever...i decided on this trip without you. You have stayed without me for two months as i went for training and i know it was a very hard time for both of us...and yet i took this plunge... I knew what i was doing wasn't very right but who wanted to be right always and hence the first trip outside country. Not that i enjoyed extremely without you specially those places meant for children..and sometimes i also wondered what i was doing there without you. That was a minor mutiny, an assertion and i loved it more than the trip. Anyways that was a matter of five days and i was back armed with a lot of guilt and allegations from all.

I really do not know if my efforts as a mother falls short of what should be...and i am really this independent woman who moves around leaving you to maid... no Ninni i know you will realise or you already know that you have one gem of a mother! Ma is someone you take for granted, the first name you call when you wake up, the first person you look for in house and this is the most obvious thing. This makes me happy and content and with the apprehension that my activities never blow this up and this remains as obvious as ever... at least as long as it lasts. All said and done i just know you have always won me over with your innocence and this undemanding love which makes one learn only to give....and i know from the mother you were born from i'd be the person who would win you over with her love and the woman she is.

Lots of love

Yours Ma